There’s an article circulating the Internets right now called “How To Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps.” I first read it during one of the nights when Leah was particularly difficult to put to bed, and remember thinking that there really ought to be a “Non-verbal toddler with special needs” edition because oh man, that list is JUST THE BEGINNING. After another fun evening putting the BabyBug to bed, I’m thinking Leah’s 100 easy steps would go a little something like this:
1. Move pumps and monitors into bedroom.
2. Note look of concern and suspicion on toddler’s face.
3. Get together nighttime meds and feed.
4. Scoop toddler up and place on changing table.
5. Straighten out pulse oximeter sensor. Obtain nasal cannula.
6. Ruin at least three Tegaderms attempting to place nasal cannula.
7. Achieve epic cannula victory only to watch tape slide off on account of toddler’s tears.
8. Dry toddler’s face, retape cannula, turn on oxygen, and connect pulse oximeter sensor to machine.
9. Vent toddler’s stomach.
10. Nearly spill stomach contents when toddler kicks syringe.
11. Administer nighttime meds, clean g-tube site and run feeding pump.
12. Extract toes from toddler’s mouth and retape pulse oximeter sensor. Put a sock over it.
13. Change diaper and wash hands with wipes.
14. Peel toddler’s fingers off of g-tube button.
15. Obtain pajamas and trip over pulse oximeter cord in the process.
16. Breathe sigh of relief that it wasn’t the feed bag tube.
17. Wonder how you didn’t trip over feed bag tube.
18. Extract feed bag tube from toddler’s mouth.
19. Peel toddler’s fingers off of g-tube button.
20. Put pajamas on toddler.
21. Spend five minutes snapping pajamas and pulling wires through various holes.
22. Retape nasal cannula.
23. Remind toddler that feed bag tube is not licorice lace.
24. Observe toddler get very angry, then very cranky, and then poop.
25. Change poopy diaper.
26. Resnap pajamas one-handed.
27. Set toddler in crib using only your elbows and go wash poop off of your hands.
28. Return and retape nasal cannula.
29. Fix pajamas and tubes. Replace sock over pulse oximeter sensor.
30. Begin nebulizer treatment.
31. Remind toddler that nebulizer mask is not a lollipop.
32. Remind toddler that nebulizer mask is not a chew toy.
33. Realize the only way this will work is to place toddler on your chest and hold nebulizer against her.
34. Try to avoid inhaling breathing treatment yourself.
35. Feel lightheaded and wonder if it’s the medicine or the lack of oxygen from holding your breath.
36. Remind toddler that nebulizer mask is not a jai alai basket.
37. Remind self that toddler is nonverbal.
38. Continue to think of things that a nebulizer mask is not.
39. Read a book to toddler.
40. Notice toddler becoming drowsy.
41. Notice drowsy toddler becoming cranky.
42. Change Lasix diaper.
43. Read another book to toddler.
44. Notice toddler becoming drowsy.
45. Place toddler in crib.
46. Observe instant wail.
47. Pick toddler up.
48. Appreciate immediate silence.
49. Begin to place toddler in crib.
50. Observe instant wail.
51. Pick toddler up.
52. Appreciate immediate silence.
53. Pretend to lie toddler down in crib several times to achieve siren effect.
54. Rock toddler to sleep on shoulder.
55. Place sleeping toddler in crib.
56. Observe instant wail.
57. Rock toddler to sleep on shoulder.
58. Place toddler in crib.
59. Realize that the cannula has flipped out of toddler’s nose, and adjust it.
60. Hold your breath as toddler whines.
61. Breathe sigh of relief as toddler falls back asleep.
62. Leave room and observe toddler on monitor.
63. Begin doing something entertaining.
64. Hear toddler gagging and retching on monitor.
65. Vent toddler.
66. Spill stomach contents as sleeping toddler kicks syringe.
67. Obtain new pajamas.
68. Trip over at least 2 cords in the process.
69. Change Lasix diaper.
70. Dress toddler in new pajamas.
71. Spend five minutes snapping pajamas and pulling wires through various holes.
72. Look up and observe toddler staring at you.
73. Brace yourself for the instant wail.
74. Pat wailing toddler until noise subsides.
75. Observe wide-awake toddler.
76. Offer rattling toy.
77. Watch rattling toy fly across crib.
78. Offer glowing musical toy.
79. Express relief that toddler is easily distracted by things that glow.
80. Tiptoe out of room and watch toddler on monitor.
81. Breathe sigh of relief that toddler appears to be entertaining self, at least.
82. Begin doing something entertaining.
83. Get lost in concentration.
84. Become startled by loud beeping.
85. Remember that toddler is easily distracted by things that glow.
86. Refasten pulse oximeter and replace sock.
87. Tiptoe out of room and watch toddler fall asleep on monitor.
88. Go to sleep.
89. Become awakened 15 minutes later by whining.
90. Extract toddler from tangle of wires and change Lasix diaper.
91. Rock toddler to sleep on shoulder, place in crib, return to sleep.
92. Wake up to fix beeping feed pump error. Go back to sleep.
93. Wake up to beeping feed pump error. Beg spouse to get this one.
94. Wake up to fix beeping feed pump error. Return and collapse onto bed.
95. Get up to fix beeping feed pump error that started midair as you fell back into bed.
96. Wonder why feed pump hates you and what you did to make it angry.
97. Go back to sleep.
98. Wake up to pulse oximeter alarm and retape nasal cannula.
99. Lovingly watch precious child sleep for several minutes before returning to bed. Sleep through the remainder of the night.
100. Pretend to be asleep for the first beep or whine of the morning so spouse will get up.
[Edit: I realize I've left out a few steps, mostly involving Cat #1, who soars over the cat gate in Leah's doorway and has to be let out at least three times during the course of this routine because he can't get back out, and Cat #2, who uninstalls the cat gate entirely and has to be nudged out of the room like a soccer ball. So we're basically playing Whack-a-Kitty through this whole routine.]
[Edit #2: And I've failed to include the multiple steps throughout the evening/morning that consist of these instructions: "Watch monitor. Make sure toddler is still breathing."]
[Edit #3: I mean, basically you'd need another 100 easy steps for all the other stuff that didn't make it into this list... and just wait 'til you see the "How To Prep For Your Toddler's Day: Special Needs Edition" list. Just kidding. That would be a really long list, and not nearly as entertaining.]